Turkey, Mashed Potato and Baked bean McFlurry

I invented a road-game a few years back called "Invent the most disgusting McFlurry Flavor" which, for some reason doesn't seem to have caught-on farther than my group of friends. Sure sure, I couldn't do the board game version of it without permission from McDonalds, but you would still expect to overhear people playing it on the bus or in line at McDonalds.

The rules are simple and somewhat flexible and there are two variations:

Variation One: Invent the most disgusting sounding McFlurry flavor using only ingredients found on the menu at McDonalds. This game is best with more than two players, as there is no scoring, just a vote. Multiple entries are encouraged, and players may pick the best of their own inventions for the final vote.

1. McFlurry flavors already on the menu, while possibly disgusting, are not typically considered fair game.
2. Entries that cause other players to actually retch automatically win that round.
3. Always remember that the flavors mentioned will be blended into the base soft ice-cream.
4. All items from the McDonalds menu past and present are available ingredients (e.g. McRibs and McPattyMelt)
5. A minor variation to Variation One is to allow both items from the McDonalds menu and things you suspect are also in the kitchen.

Variation Two: All of the same rules from Variation One, excepting that any food item eaten in the last 3 months by any player may be used. Variation Two is not generally considered a sporting version of the game, and will doubtless not be considered for the Olympic approved version of this game.

My original entry of "Sausage Biscuit with Cheese McFlurry" still stands out as a classic, but MANY entries using minor variation #5 have propelled players to fame and glory (e.g. greasy fry-cook hair and McEgg McFlurry, from the Bainbridge games in '04)

I think you can all see where this is going. I expect that McDonalds and Hasbro have held back out of courtesy to my copyright, so I've decided that Christmas 2007 will be the last one in which children everywhere are not given the opportunity to make their parents ill by just playing a simple game. I'm officially and publicly placing the McFlurry game into the public domain so that people everywhere can savor the thrill of competition, the joy of victory over hale and hardy opponents as each of you describe the most horrifying ice-cream and McCrud you can imagine. Your imagination is only limited by the glowing reader board at your nearest McDonalds!

In addition, I'm establishing a fund to pay real money to the first person to get their game winning entry added to the real McDonalds menu. It can't be any worse than what's already on there.

Scheduled criminal visitation

Inexorably the calendar sits in sinister silent witness and I am again assaulted by the certain knowledge that a foreign person unknown to me will at some time during the night be entering my home, bypassing my security system on the doors and windows, leaving objects who's contents are purposefully hidden from me and then leaving as fast as his mutant ungulates can carry him, to serially perform these criminal trespass and possibly terroristic acts all over my neighborhood and much of the world.

I speak of course of the annual visitation of Kris Kringle AKA Santa Clause, Santa, Saint Nick, Jolly Old Elf, Father Christmas, Sinterklaas and other aliases too numerous to mention spanning the globe and many cultures. In terms of sheer volume, Mr Kringle is likely the most prolific criminal in history, breaking into millions of homes every year for hundreds, or possible thousands of years - depending on which origins one chooses to believe.

One of the stories most in line with commonly held beliefs regarding Kringle is one originating with early Germanic tribes who said that Krampus, a horrible monster, would slither down chimneys in Southern Austria and alternatively slaughter children, eating them on the spot or stuff them into a sack for a later snack. Later stories, clearly invented to calm the terrified populace, depict Saint Nicholas taming the beast and (this is the truly frightening part) then sending it BACK INTO THE SAME HOMES to provide candy and gifts to traumatized siblings - presumably after the gore was cleaned up from previous visits. While children may really like candy, I can't imagine that the sudden appearance of the horrible monster that disemboweled your brother or sister, only this time delivering candy, would be at all calming.

No, from the various tales told it seems likely that the Kringle entity is non-human in origin, likely possessed of some pretty serious alien technology. Most of us have seen the back of the napkin calculations on required speed, sleigh carrying capacity and visits per second required for the Christmas break-ins to happen the night of December 25th. Needless to say, those aren't really reindeer moving at 650 miles per second, carrying around 320,000 tons and "landing" on your rooftop. If he's not using some sort of anti-gravity, I'm pretty darn sure that my own roof would collapse under the weight.

His in-transit activities aren't really that concerning to me though. I figure anyone out flying in a conventional aircraft on a night when we KNOW there's someone moving at 3000 times the speed of sound, with no filed flight plan in the air with you gets what's coming. The good news is that if there's a collision, it will be over VERY quickly. No, the problem I have is that for the Klaus criminal to enter each home, drop the suspicious packages and get on with the crime spree, he has to move that fast inside my home. While I can sympathize with the folks that try and slow him down a bit with milk and cookies, it's really just causing a bit of a ricochet effect for the in-house path. Your best bet is to park the Christmas tree directly in front of the fireplace, minimizing the time and distance a Santa sized projectile is moving through the house at about 1000 times faster than a high powered sniper bullet.

From experiments with magnesium and sodium metal in the fireplace, I can tell you that he's impervious to heat. Nothing you do to the fireplace or fire will be sufficient to keep him out, the technology he has access to is beyond our ability to protect against. Truly, anything you could do to proof your home against the rampage would be too dangerous to you and your family to really consider. No, the only thing you can do on December 24th is barricade yourself into the basement or bedroom and hope that the entity will not take interest in your entrails or decide to leave something truly nasty in one of the concealing boxes. If all goes well, he's only in the house for about 1/1000 of a second and then off to terrorize the neighbors. There's no way to know his schedule, so it's best to wait in your safe room with your family until daylight on the 25th before venturing out. If you have children, try not to share your justified terror with them, but be realistic about their chances of survival if caught out near the tree with a 260 lb bearded home invader moving about with enough kinetic energy to instantly incinerate the whole block if he impacted with something.

Regarding the packages, you can't rely on the bomb squad as you ordinarily would for this situation. Remember, he's broken into most of the homes in your city, and it's likely the mayor is the only one with enough clout to get the bomb disposal robot into his house today. No, you might as well just hug your children and/or spouse and then carefully unwrap each of them being careful to identify tripwires and oxygen sensitive ignitors. It's good practice for the kids, in case they are ever in politics or possibly just make a lot of enemies. For the most part, the packages are benign, merely delivered to inspire terror, but occasionally the threat has to be real, or it ceases to have any effect.

Sometimes, it's a hand knit sweater from a relative that you can't just avoid for the rest of your life.