More Uncertainty

I usually don't stay on a single topic for more than one post here, but with a total of what - three entries you can't say that ANYTHING would be considered out of character, right?

One interpretation of quantum superpositioning and the observationally rendered wave function collapse is that for each and every possibility, all of the available options are realized, resulting in an astounding number of alternate universes, each precipitated by the observed resolution of (at the atomic end of the scale) an electron into a dicernable particle. If we consider that our actions at the macro level (e.g. choosing to hrrumph instead of snort as you read this) are precipitated by an extremely large number of events at the atomic level - we can imagine that for each of our actions, there are universes full of us that chose a near infinite number of alternate actions (assuming there are a finite number of quanta in the observable universe.)

If you're still reading, take a moment and consider what decisions in your life made that happen, and how you might influence things to produce better outcomes in the future, where you would be reading page 17 of your cellular phone manual instead.

So, if a few quadrillion versions of myself are spawning off new universes several times per second, manifesting all possible outcomes from each decision I make, that means a simple good versus evil choice that I make, like choosing the fajita versus the fish taco for lunch actually happens in equal measure by inumerable mes for every variant of each combination. So, while the me that's typing this has invariably chosen good (i.e. fajitas) over evil (clearly - fish tacos) there are JUST AS MANY mes that are out there ordering some horrific halibut with cheese and lettuce thing. So, while I'd like to think that I am generally a positive force in the universe, there's just as many mes out there wearing disco pants to the grocery store and voting republican.

Dedicated to our beloved Coda, still snoring on the couch in several quadrillion alternate universes, snoring evilly in about half of them.

Schrödinger's Outlook Calendar Entry

It has come to my attention that for periods of time, certain of my Outlook calendar entries are in a state of super quantum superposition, in that they are both scheduled and unscheduled at the same time. The state comes about when I've sent off several messages to people that I'm planning to meet with at some time in the near future (lets say within the week) and since I'm dealing with a finite resource (my schedulable hours this week), many of my announced available times overlap between meeting invitees. So, any specific entry may be:

1. Unscheduled (no invitee has decided to take this spot)
2. Claimed by one or more of several invitees (hence super quantum superposition)

Before I am able to get to my email and read the various responses, this means that the unobserved calendar entry is both unallocated, allocated and super allocated (everybody wanted Wednesday at 10:00.) According to the Copenhagen interpretation, My simple observational act of reading my email will coincide with the collapse of the wave function and resolve my schedule into something Microsoft Office can express. (That is unless you prefer to believe that non-conscious observers - in this case Microsoft Office - alter the quantum state of the observed phenomenon. If that's true, Microsoft Office is changing our reality at the quantum level millions of times per second. Try not to think about it.)

Now you know my problem. If I miss a meeting with you, it's because I was simultaneously also scheduled to be having tea with the Society for the Elimination of Annoying Car Sqeaky Sounds and saving a cat in a box with a radiation source nearby from certain doom. It's NOT because my scheduling habits are disorganized.

NOTE: The "laws" of "physics" portrayed in this note should have almost no resemblance to Schrödinger's "Die gegenwärtige Situation in der Quantenmechanik." Precisely, the similarities are:

• Use of the verb "know" although not in the same context.
• Reference to a cat, though mine was strictly to try and gain the reader's sympathy in the case where I stood/stand the reader up for a meeting (and attend it.)
  
• Improper use of comma splices.

Since I don't look at my blog logs, the entire planet has read and not read this entry. I'm VERY popular and ignored.

Titanium Spork as alternative lifestyle

So, along with the usual 4' hunting blowguns, lemur skulls, fish fossils and dried frog carcass-as-cell-phone-cozy that everyone I know received for Christmas this year, I also received a titanium spork. Much like the various versions of my TiVo thinks I'm gay out there, I begin to wonder what the gift of a titanium spork indicates that my good friends think of me.

I pretty much doubt that the people that bought me the spork have ever seen me eating with a spork. Hands, pocket knives, toothpicks, gravity and the occasional bendy-straw, but not a spork. So the focus is potentially on the hardy, will-survive-apocalypse nature of a titanium instrument, which holds more promise since they probably do know about the extensive system of underground tunnels under my house (and several neighbors houses if you want to get technical - see "hole digging") and the 3 years supply of food, water and silly putty stashed away just in case.

So, I'm thinking that they have thoughtfully provided me with an indestructible combination spoon/fork utensil on the off chance that Seattle will be destroyed by a combination of the Juan de Fuca Plate Tsunami / radioactive creature attack and spontaneous devolution of the Seattle city council and mayor into CHUD (their mothers would almost certainly notice the difference.) If that happens, I'll be packing around a very light weight single eating utensil while all of you are dishing up your rats and squirrels with your bare hands. You'll be all like: "Rarrrrgh aaarrgh, Spork man civilized" and I'll be all: "Quite true. Please pass the salt, this mutant opossum-squid is a bit gamey."

I'm glad folks are looking out for me. Oh, and for the record, my TiVo thinks I'm a llama.

Chitinous Gravy

So, as you are eating this holiday (or any other time of your choosing) you might want to point out to everyone (especially impressionable children) that the cell walls of mushrooms are made of the same material (chitin) that insect exoskeletons are made of, only since it's 95% of the mushroom's mass, it's like you're eating an insect with a 1/8 inch thick shell, or maybe the equivalent of a whole handful of beetles. Then, tell the kids that some cooks sneak mushrooms into all kinds of stuff like casserole, gravy, stuffing and lasagna. Feel free to add items that kids like to the list, though they might question you on soda-pop and ice cream - although "mushroom ice cream" does yeild 212 entries from Google.

My friend Mark points out that Jones Turkey + Gravy flavored soda would be the perfect beverage to accompany dung-beetle flavored food, and I have to agree. I would also like to suggest the following flavors to Jones, as they would complement much of the food we eat by bringing out the subtle flavors:

• Dr. Hamburger
• Bacon (root) beer
• Salmon Cola

Clearly, these would be big sellers with people that like meat flavored beverages, and who doesn't? For the truly adventurous, they might even consider sushi beverages - maybe an unagi Italian Creme (eels are good with creme) or a squid & chocolate soda, but we may have some hurdles when it comes to packaging raw fish in a soda bottle for distribution. Sushi beverages may have to be a fresh beverage only product for a while.

I'm sooooo looking forward to Christmas dinner now.

Hole digging

So, I've dug maybe 426 holes in my life, which I expect is about average for a shovel weilding non-gardener. Keep in mind that these holes have ranged across five or six states, and I've used most of the commonly available digging tools. The holes range in size from small ones to plant a mustard seed in through shallow graves for dead things that I had NO HAND IN KILLING to septic tank sized holes which certainly were for septic tanks and NOT dead things that I HAD NO HAND IN KILLING.

So, with this grand variation and variety of hole purposes, I'm wondering how it's possible that each hole was filled with 62% rock, one of which was 50% of the total hole volume and offset, such that the only way to extract it was to dig it out leaving a hole 75% too large. (For the purposes of this diatribe, I'm not particularly considering the other non-dirt contents of each hole, which include 2% roots, 1.3% glass and .05% cd wrapper plastic.)

When they show someone disinterring some hapless body that they had NO HAND IN KILLING in a movie or on television, it's pure dirt. They just remove shovel after shovel full of dark fluffy loam. In fact, if they are digging up a treasure chest of coffin, they suddenly know they've reached it when they go to lift out another shovelfull, and it goes "clink" or whatever that foley sound is. If I was near a treasure chest or coffin every time my shovel went "clink" I'd be up to the rafters in bodies and/or treasure....

And I'm not.

Really.

Cows absorb cellular phone signals

So, I've noticed that every time I see cows, I have poor cell signal. I mean I'll be driving around in rural America and see a cow - look down and I'm at one bar or less. So, I think we know now what the aliens have been up to with cow mutilations and such. They're pissed about trying to phone home and the smirking cows just absorbing their signal.

If you're not convinced of this, try this simple experiment. Buy a big beef roast, something 4 or 5 inches thick. Cut a cell phone sized pocket in the middle of it (closer proximity is required as dead cow meat is less effective) and stuff your cell phone in there. Now, sew the opening up tight and wait for an hour or two for the effect to take hold, and call your cell phone. See? No ringing. In fact, the phone itself may have been totally ruined by the cow effect (don't say I didn't warn you.)

So, try and keep the cows out of the major metropolitan areas where they might disrupt important communication infrastructure. Seriously, if you see a determined group of cows headed for your city, it could be the precursor to a terrorist attack. Repel them at all cost. Remember that not all cows are terrorists, but you don't want the one that is walking down your street.

Walking on the ceiling dressed like an elk

It's time to decide if you like cheese or not. I mean, think about it for a minute or two, and make a decision.