Santa will kill us all

If you've read anything I've written about Santa / Krampus / Osama Bin Cringle, you know that his illegal antics each December tend to terrify me. The energy requirements for visiting millions of homes on Dec 25th would indicate that he's packing something like anti-matter while he's eating your cookies and milk (his alien physiology likely can't deal with the cookies and milk by the way. He's probably feeding them into some kind of matter to energy converter disguised as reindeer.) Today's timely warning isn't about any of those issues though. Today is about the fact that Santa will some day surely kill all of us, and by "us" I mean humans.

Just as the cold of winter is really getting started, this entity that's been observed "laying a finger aside of his nose" and then touching presents, glasses of milk, plates of cookies, the fireplace hearth, stockings even candy for goodness sake. Then, while his alien mucous is likely dripping from his fingers - he proceeds to provide a vector into a huge segment of the population of the world. Based on his travels alone, I think we can attribute 90% of the winter flu infections across the world to the Jolly Old Disease Vector. Those of you with children, imagine that instead of the classmates your kid usually hangs out with, we expand the pool by hundreds of millions and you have some idea of what Santa's bringing into your home each Christmas.

Some day, this guy that flies downwind of reindeer poop all night, touches warm milk that's been sitting out on the counter (maybe drinks it) and fiddles with his nose all of the time (Google it, he's got a nose thing) - someday he's going to spread a really bad one and since it will hit us all at the same time, we won't have time to develop a vaccine.

He's a threat to the viability of the human race, a hazard to flight, a B&E specialist and a poor example for obese children the world over. As a threat, it's hard to over-estimate his potential and yet the authorities spend no time at all working on bringing him to justice. Are they blind to the world spanning scope of his criminal organization and the threat to our way of life? How can they not see the coming Santapocalypse?

This year, as usual - I'll spend Christmas eve in the hidden safe room, cradling a 12 guage & wearing a surgical mask. According to the Mayo Clinic, I should be able to get out and bleach the house by the 28th or so in time for new years parties. That is if anyone else survives that long.