My AMAZING ABILITY

Not many people know, but I have an amazing 6th sense, which I believe I inherited from my father. Some people make interesting claims about mind reading or telekinesis, but those are all pretty much old-hat as far as I'm concerned. I've talked to a lot of you out there, and believe me - I don't want to read your mind. Sheesh, half of the time I can barely bring myself to listen to what you are saying out loud (...blah blah speed limit blah blah blah flock of turkeys blah hazmat team blah blah...) it's always the same old stuff. However, back to my ability; I can predict the future - but only in a really specific way. I can almost always tell when something annoying is about to happen, especially if I'm the one that's going to cause it to happen.

Yup, I know - you're wondering why all of the national labs aren't knocking on my door, asking for permission to study this ability. No no no, when they come knocking it's always about the "seismographic disturbances" or the "folded space" problem in my back yard - never about the cool 6th sense thing.

I remember clearly seeing my father demonstrate this ability when I was a child. He was working on a car, trying to get a nut to break loose with a cresent wrench. Pull as hard as he might, the nut was not budging and then it happened. He muttered to himself "if I pull on that one more time, the wrench is going to slip off and hit me" he pulled, it hit. I watched him pull on the wrench for 20 minutes before he said those fateful words, then smack, wrench sandwich.

While my Dad never again used his power in front of me, I soon found that I had inherited the gift. While lifting my breakfast plate I might suddenly be possessed by the thought "That newly buttered toast is going to fall off of the plate and land butter-side down on my new suede shoes, forcing me to jerk my foot away, thus spilling the orange juice on my homework, causing the citric acid to lift the ink right off the page, leaving me with a title and a blank page that smells like Florida. 10 seconds later, I'd be planning to skip first period to re-write my treatise on the chilling effect of high school on developing intellects, part IX.

Now, I take it all in stride. Yesterday, I looked at my shoelaces and immediately mentally added 5 minutes onto my exit for work, just microseconds before the lace snapped in my hand. I look in my rear-view mirror and signal a lane change, not because I'm about to change lanes, but because I want the person in the lane next to me to speed up and get out of my blind spot. What I can't figure out is why I still pull on the wrench, even though I KNOW it's going cause swearing and consternation. I guess I can't change the future, just be pre-annoyed by it.

Gah, I'm going to hit publish and then decide it's not worth re-opening this post to correct the spelling errors.