I want what he's looking at...

People who know me might have the impression that I don't enjoy shopping. While I understand how they reach that conclusion, it's not strictly true. I'm OK with shopping, and if it's stuff I'm interested in, I could even enjoy shopping - if we could just get everyone else to leave the store while I do it. Perfectly good shopping trips are ruined by sales associates, other shoppers and checkout people who all conspire to ruin the experience.

As a part of a series on HOW these people turn a simple transaction into Dante's 4.2th circle of hell (that's a 40% discount!) I'd like to take a moment to contemplate the people who seem to have no will of their own, and wander aimlessly throughout the store until I happen to stop and look at something, whereby they immediately must closely examine that same item.

I've given some thought to what's wrong with these folks (yes, I know - you're not surprised) and I think it's really a list of genetic, social and mental deficiencies that produce them.

Genetic:
Long ago in the evolution of our species it was quite useful to stop and show interest in the water buffalo that I'd just killed with my fancy new flint tipped spear. As long as I didn't decide to use the fancy new spear to add you to my entree for the evening, you might end up with some part of the water buffalo that I wasn't interested in, like the spleen. Mmmm, spleen.

Those days are long past though, and I can virtually guarantee that whatever carcass I'm currently contemplating at Fry's, they have at least 3 or 4 more of, and I'm NOT going to share even the spleen with any fellow shoppers. I'm even reasonably certain that barometric pressure activated switches don't even HAVE spleens. I need all of you in this category to evolve. Concentrate on the scaphoid bone in your hand, envision your thumb touching a fingertip. Imagine walking upright. Visualize seeing me picking up a fancy new ceramic tipped spear, and yourself sensibly running away. Visualize.

Social:
Some of you clearly feel self-conscious about approaching a retail item without someone else already showing clear interest. If you are in that category, I would like you to keep in mind that most of the stuff I'm interested in looking at more closely has some sort of sharp edge or other battle advantage. I'm not looking at the new thumb-drive that will make you more popular with all of the other social amputees that you hang out with. No, I'm gazing at things that will get you hauled off to Guantanamo if combined with 3 or 4 other household items and attached to your congressman's SUV. Back carefully away from the guy with the odd looking electrical components and walk over to the thumb-drive isle.

Mental:
Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery, cash is more sincere. If you find yourself unable to resist the charismatic draw of my intense examination of the 12 mile range walkie talkies, don't pick one up yourself and pretend you are considering a purchase. Instead, just give me whatever cash you walked into the store with, along with your credit cards and checkbook and then go home. If you walk around buying stuff just because someone else seems interested in it, I'm afraid you shouldn't be granted access to your own money. Oh yeah, when you get home, tear up your voters registration card too.

Now, I have to go back to Fry's. I think I forgot 3 or 4 other household items.