Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny

Which star is this which I see more than some

Of these stars set round me in constellation

I know this point of light, with me from my beginning

Sometimes shining brightly near, sometimes far away but clear

This star I think is part of me

What star could show me clearly without shadow

Each step in life portrayed in clear example

I know this aid I follow, rarely well, often poorly

A brilliant gleam or glowing ember never more than needed

This star I hope is part of me

What star might purpose be my self

Such clarity does show my path and more

I know that light which falls upon us, not all is of our choosing

That this was not of mine, no lesser my devotion

This star both guide and path provider

What star fades before the dawn

A treachery of time and entropy is our fate

I know each star cannot sustain forever

The light around me wanes, but closed my eyes still see

This star in absence guides my memories

Surrounded by giant metal cows

It seems that I can't take a drive in the countryside without encountering gigantic bovine metallic creations which are clearly hibernating, waiting for the instruction to rise and smite the humans. Sure, they may be made to look nurturing, but they are LARGE and made of METAL. How could they NOT be bent on subjugating humankind under their steely (or irony) hooves?

While I'd been avoiding Bothell (Bot Hell, not a very clever place to hide cow-bot masters of the universe) just in case the activation signal came, I now find that they have invaded an area near the seat of power for the state of Washington. Imagine my further horror to discover that they are the SAME COWS, which have apparently been active long enough to cover the distance from Woodinville/Bothell to Olympia. Nobody seems to know how they transport took place, but I imagine a very large metal "cowboy" somewhere in the mix.

Pretty clearly aliens with somewhat faulty conceptions of what cows really look like and how they behave created these creatures & placed them in fields thinking that we wouldn't notice. There they sit, silently waiting for the opportune time to wreak their terrible plan of metal cow destruction upon us all.

There's really no proof that creations like this one were NOT responsible for the 1876 Kentucky Meat Shower. On March 3rd of that year, chunks of meat fell from the sky to cover 5000 square yards with smallish chunks of meat, later shown to be lung tissue, cartilage and muscle, but 1876 science being what it was, no final determination of the animal(s) from which the meat came from. Apparently folks in Kentucky are inclined to taste meat which falls from the sky and some thought it was like venison or mutton. The best theory of the time is that a huge flock of buzzards flying overhead all puked at once (This is a protective insinct, shared among some animals. If you see your neighbor puke, your body decides to empty itself too, in case you were eating from the same carrion. Oddly, buzzards can eat disease ridden rotten meat without ill effect, so if this is what happened I don't want to know what they ate...)

Personally, I think that the Kentucky Meat Shower was PEOPLE. The aliens controlling the various giant cows across America think it was funny to have cows eat people for a change, but having no real digestive tracts (they aren't real cows), they thought it would also be funny to have them disgorge the remains onto Kentucky (and I have to agree there.) About the only way I can see this coming out OK for the human race is that we are rescued by giant sheep. Everyone knows that the giant sheep scattered around the country are the ancient extra-galactic foes of the giant cow builders, but they seem to be a dying race, with few representatives left here on Earth.

So, I urge you all to race to the nearest home improvement store and buy all of the rebar and cement you can afford, to build the largest sheep you can in your back yard. I'm hoping that if we make them feel welcome, the sheep builders will return to this galaxy and help protect us from the Others. Just don't be surprised when your giant sheep creations animate and proceed to the final battle for the fate of Earth - "Oklahoma, the Sheep Farmer and the Cowman can NEVER be Friends" It's either that, or we need to start buying meat capable umbrellas.

Post radioactive mutant cleanup nearly complete

Another visitation from Cinter Claus, Krampus or Santa (depending on your viewpoint) and I managed to escape the effects of his near light speed transit of my chimney and home, but my decontamination procedure turned up something disturbing while I was making a sweep of the second floor - unhealthy levels of radiation. My detector just registers the energetic particles, not what type, so I have no idea what I'm being exposed to.

Why would I even be monitoring for radiation, you ask (those of you that don't know me anyway?) Well, apparently this Clause character travels with the aid of mutant ungulates which have the ability to fly (which I have no explanation for) and one of which apparently glows in the visible spectrum with a light strong enough to act as a useful fog light while traveling over the earth at several thousand miles per hour. Now, the brightness needed from a fog light is directly proportional to the expected travel speed, in order to give you a chance to see an object and then react, so the light from this glowing mutant reindeer nose would need to be about 80 trillion candlepower. I don't know any normal bioluminescence on earth that can create that much light, so we're forced to contemplate power sources which could possibly suffice, namely it's a radioactive mutant reindeer.

Can you imagine the horrible toll such a creature took on his herd in the early days? All of the other reindeer would be calling you names like, "bringer of death" and "he who kills all that he comes near." Santa must have found some really decent shielding to be able to put him out front and not have reindeer hair falling out in clumps all around him as he flys. Still, it seems pretty irresponsible to be landing on rooftops all over the world with something that deadly irradiating all of your packages, the rooftops and seed clouds overhead. The eventual radioactive snow alone could doom us all.

So, the clean-up continues with me in my lead suit and hasmat protocols. I can't seem to find a source for lead roofing tiles, and automated anti-aircraft emplacements aren't fast enough to track and destroy something moving fast enough to visit every household on earth in one night, so I'm kind of stumped regarding how to mitigate the threat. I think I'll go check to see if PetCo has sold out of lead pooper scoopers for radioactive mutant reindeer droppings.