Elvin is Evil rearranged and with an extra "n"

If you're tired of my annual warnings about the extreme danger posed to all of us by Santa Clause explained here and here; you will be glad to know that I'm posting about something else this year, namely his evil minions the elves. In some ways, I guess I'm not varying too far from the usual holiday warning, since Krampus aka Santa, aka Santa Klause, aka Santa Clause, aka Chris Kringle is also aka "Jolly Old Elf."


One of the oldest English language references to elves puts them in the same category as demons and monsters (and the original killer Cain) line 112 of Beowulf clearly spells out the nature of elves:

metod for þy mane, mancynne fram. þanon untydras ealle onwocon,  eotenas ond ylfe ond orcneas, swylce gigantas, þa wið gode wunnon lange þrage; he him ðæs lean forgeald. 

Or, if you are old English challenged (roughly):

He was of a race of monsters exiled from mankind by God--He was of the race of Cain, that man punished for murdering his brother.From that family comesall evil beings--monsters, elves, zombies.Also the giants who fought with God and got repaid with the flood.

This is the crew that the terrifying Santa creature is using to make toys for your children. Monsters cut from the same cloth as the Grendel, evil to the core. 


Only much later in Germanic lore does the concept of "light" elves versus "dark" elves start getting some play, clearly in an attempt to rehabilitate the image of these dark forces toiling tirelessly at the north pole where the sun does not shine AT ALL this time of year. These creatures which magically create toys for all of the children of the world, imbuing them with the essence of their dark heritage. 


If you are inclined to believe that there was a great rift in elf-kind and there really are dark and light elves, guess which ones live in Álfheimr (Elfhame) versus here on earth? In the 12th century,  Snorri Sturluson's Prose Edda explains where each clan ended up:

That which is called Álfheim is one, where dwell the peoples called Light elves [Ljósálfar]; but the Dark-elves [dökkálfar] dwell down in the earth, and they are unlike in appearance, but by far more unlike in nature. The Light-elves are fairer to look upon than the sun, but the Dark-elves are blacker than pitch.

So, since the north pole (where all of these things live apparently) is on earth, the assumption should be that they are in the category "dark elves." All of the credible literature points to the fact that Santa is employing the most evil magical creatures he can find to make billions of toys and other gifts each year, which he then forcibly distributes to the children of the world. 


I don't know about you, but the very thought of it gives me the chills. Santa is dangerous in his own right as a disease vector, projectile and forcible entry specialist, but the dark supernatural spin he's apparently putting on the objects he's tossing under your tree should give each of you pause. 


If you still doubt me in this, take a look at that sweater "from your aunt Maude." Your aunt may have her quirks, but nowhere in her is the level of unbridled hatred, evil and rage required to send you a scratchy wool sweater in those colors, with reindeer appliques on it. No, that requires the diabolical intervention of a creature so heinous that it can only work in the 24 hour darkness of the winter north pole. A creature so evil that we have for centuries felt the need to chronicle it's nature in texts  nearly lost to the ravages of time.


Then again, maybe your Aunt Maude is in league with an elf...