Now you are shopping into the twilight zone

You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of retail. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of clerk knowledge. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the floor associate Zone! 


Apologies to Rod Serling, but it's time to describe yet another level of retail joy. In this installment, I'd like to discuss the concept of knowing what you sell. I'm not referring to this in the abstract sense of "You work for a hardware store, you should eat speak and live hardware (though that would help.) No, I mean this in the sense of - when someone asks you if you have a left handed Tesla coil tuning spanner, either

1. Knowing if you have one, and where it would be
2. Not knowing if you have one, but where it would be if you did
3. Not knowing if you have one, or where it would be but the correct person to ask this question of

All too often, in HomeOfficeStapleDepot what I actually get is more like this:

Associate: Can I help you?
Me: That seems unlikely.
Associate: Maybe I can help you find something.
Me: OK, I need a left handed Tesla coil tuning spanner. 


Here's a branching moment, several replies are common

Branch 1

Associate: Those don't exist.
Me: I already have two, but one of them was lost in that unfortunate thermal cascade event last week and the other is in an evidence locker somewhere.
Associate: Well, if those do exist, we don't sell them.
Me: I bought my last two here, but I can't recall where you keep them.
Associate: (Who is now answering in their own mind their first question of me) Let me find Bill, he will know.
[Associate runs like I have an explosive device in my hand, which I don't. I see them flinging their apron/cap/nametag at the manager on their way out the door which they hit at full speed.]
Me (to another nearby associate): Where could I find "Bill?"
Associate2: That was Bill that just ran out the door for some reason. Can I help you?


Branch 2
Associate: So, you're really looking for a thumbdrive, aren't you?
Me: No. Tesla coils and thumb drives don't play well together. 
Associate: Oh, I see. [leads me to the bathroom fixtures isle] First, you'll need a new wax ring [pulls one off the shelf] and then...
Me: I'm not installing a toilet either. I'm tuning a 130,000 volt Tesla coil, and it's at McMurdo Station, so it has to be a left handed one. The electrons swirl the other way down there.
Associate: Oh, I know what you're after now. We keep those with the fencing. 
Me: OK, you meet me there. I'm going to make a quick stop in the fertilizer section. By the way, can you tell me what fuel these fork lifts run on?


Branch 3
This isn't really a branch of the other two, but is similar in nature

Another patron: I'm looking for a 3/8" piece of string.
Associate [speaking to the other patron] What you describe doesn't exist
Patron: Are you sure? I thought I saw one in your ad. My nephew has one that he says he bought here.
Associate: Nope, you are living in a dream world old man. Nothing like what you describe has ever been manufactured, and I would know. I'm an expert.
Me: [to associate] could you help me move this 80 lb bale of 3/8" string you're sitting on? It's in front of the left handed Tesla coil tuning spanners.
Associate: That's a big bale of stuff. We'll need to block both ends of the isle and get a fork lift in here to move it.
Me: No need, I have this bag of fertilizer, and your folk lifts are out of diesel anyway. I'll move you and the bale shortly.,
Me: [to patron] You're gonna want to duck behind that fork lift for a minute. Oh, and hold out your hand, there will be some string falling into it... shortly.